|"Distance is Safer"
||[Jun. 23rd, 2006|11:41 pm]
I wrote this tonight, ( 4-25-06) after watching an episode of "Forensic Files" on Court TV. Sitting here, alone, reflecting. The case they worked on made me think of how people hurt and get hurt in life.
This poem sprang out of my own angst over a recent loss. It turned into the heart of many of my muses. Temperance Brennan was the main source of many of the references, but many of the sentiments can also echo other characters and/or real people dealing with these crime / forensic careers. Of course, I thought of Sara Sidle, as well. I thought of Kathy Reichs, whose book , "Deja Dead", I'm reading right now, so some of the references in this poem were from the Temperance Brennan character in her novels. Sorry, long preface, just thought I should share some of where my inspiration came from. Enjoy.
"Distance is safer"
by Jennifer Rogers
If I sometimes seem cold and distant,
please don't blame me.
Harsh is the midnight dagger that pierces my heart.
Loss and lonliness have pressed against
my ribcage for years.
Your smile makes me yearn,
but my jaw clenches as I think of how warmth always leaves.
I swallow roughly, stare at the walls, it's so empty here.
Artifacts of my life, records of my existence,
yet none of it can lift my mood.
None of it feels like it's mine.
I sit at my desk and lose myself in memories.
Lovers, friends, intimate moments,
all swept under the rug, analyzed to death, then buried,
rotting away like the skeletons I unearth.
Have I even learned anything at all except that letting someone in ends in despair?
The saying, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
My creedo, easier to only touch through distance, never make eye contact,
never kiss, never flirt, never have to blush, never have to hurt.
I see the way people look at me. They think me strange.
They might be right.
I might never fit in.
Never feel like I belong.
But they need me.
Ironic, I help them have closure,
to have peace,
Yet I can't rest at night.
I awaken from horrific dreams, clutching the sheets,
screaming inside my head.
But to whom? I heard your name this morning in the echo of my terror.
Longed for you to hold me.
Tears I can't cry fill me like poison.
Words of sentiment I can't speak dot the pages I write.
Someone else gets to feel them.
Someone else gets to love.
Someone else gets to dance, to bear children, to have belonging.
I get to sleep alone, live alone.
No baby crying.
I can't bring a life into this world.
I only get life's leftovers. Glimpses into lives I'll never have.
A glass of wine warms me.
Your touch tempts me.
A bubble bath with loud music chases away the horrors I've seen.
But only God knows the things that haunt me in these quiet moments.
The moments when I'm alone.
I close my eyes and force myself to see your face.
But on nights like this, the image is painful.
Because I see something I can never let myself have.
I'm too intense to be loved. Too distant to be held.
Too much of a mess to sort out.
I hurt the people who love me.
I make them cry. Cause them unspeakable pain.
I wonder if curses are real.
As a child I was happy. Even if some memories
come only from pictures, I know it.
I used to laugh. Used to be sheltered and safe.
I'd give anything to feel that way again.
Heaviness fills my limbs, it's hard to move.
Hard to breathe.
Dying happens every second we're alive.
Drift off to dream.
Maybe I can feel loved as I sleep.
Shed the warmth from the imagined reality once I awaken.
And enter the coldness that surrounds me.
Maybe you'll touch me today.
Maybe I'll risk touching your hand.
Fear prickling my chest, yet I have to be brave.
The dead tell their tales.
And I want karma to allow someone to be able to tell the tale
of my death someday.
So I'll work until I can't do it anymore.
Until I break.
So please, if I seem cold or distant today,
smile, wink, joke, buy me dinner,
fill me with the hope of your affection,
forgive my faults,
hold me with your eyes,
give me a kind word,
Don't hate me, don't spurn me.
I can't take anymore rejection, anymore loss.
And when I hastily make my exit, please remember,
I've learned that loving from a
distance is safer.
( originally posted at Forensic Files, the site dedicated to "Bones" and "CSI" http://s12.invisionfree.com/Forensic_Files/index.php?act=idx )